“Hey Lord, you remember my new quest I said I would pursue?  To love unconditionally.  To be like you, to give love without expectation, without judging, without looking for it in return?  I’ve been working on that. I’ve failed.”

“That’s okay,” he answers. “You’ve got a bit of a learning curve to this and I’m encouraged with your progress.”

Yes, it’s true. I’ve been inspired by some things I’ve been reading and hearing. I’ve sensed a glimpse of God’s unconditional, ever-giving, non-ending love to me and the desire grew within me to love the same way. I knew it could be a little hard, so I chose a few people to try it out on. At first it was going really well. I could just love without any hesitation and without worrying about how they would respond to me.  But then, I began to feel let down. Felt like I was just shooting love off into some dark hole where it disappeared. I was not feeling so fulfilled at being able to give this love (I know — expectations), and now here I am.

“I am encouraged with you,” the Lord continues, bringing my attention back to him. “You jumped into the deep end of the pool. I remember a time when you would never do that, but now you have. You’re not quite able to swim there yet, but you are willing. You are open to it, and that is a beautiful sight.”

Ah, I reflect within.  When I was a child my parents put me in swimming lessons. Over time I did fairly well. I learned to dog paddle well enough to keep myself out of trouble. I could float really well – just couldn’t hold my breath to keep my head under water all that long.  Eventually I could make it across the pool without touching the ground, all the while knowing that if I needed to stand up and touch the ground I could. I was in the shallow end.

For graduation, we were required to jump off the diving board into the deep end of the pool and swim (or dog paddle or float or anyway we could) to the side of the pool. Not a long distance. Much shorter than what I had been practicing in the shallow end.  But alas, it was my turn to jump, and I would not.  That water was way over my head and I was not going in. I failed the class. My parents enrolled me again the next summer. I did well. Came up graduation, and again I refused to jump into the deep end.  Isn’t God funny to remind me of that?

“It feels kind of beautiful, too,” I tell the Lord.  “So where do I go from here?”

“Let’s edge our way down the side of the pool back to the shallow end. Get you back into a comfort zone for a moment where you can practice some more.”  We move along the side of the pool, holding on to the edge until I can safely let go and jump into the middle, proudly standing on my own two feet.

“Now that you’re feeling safe again, let’s talk.”

I nod my head, listening intently.

“You have been working really hard on giving unconditional love. That concept is faulty. That cannot bring you to what you seek. When you give, you are drawing from what you have. You will run out, as you have seen.”

That’s true, I think to myself.  I actually didn’t have very much stored up inside to give.

“I say to you to be love.  Be unconditional love. What you have done is note-worthy, but better is to simply be. Be love and know that love is unconditional.  When you can be, you don’t even need to give thought to how much you’re giving without return. It doesn’t even enter into the process. There is no scorecard. It is love. You are love, as I am love.  And there are no conditions set on that love to guide who gets it, when they can have it, and why it’s going to them.

Rather, you are simply being you.  The true, full you who is one with me and fulfilled with me. There is no separation between us. You are loved, and you are love.”

“Back to the drawing board,” I respond. “I so missed that key bit. I see that if I am picking who to give love to (and therefore who not to give it to), it’s not so unconditional as I thought. I’m hearing that with the idea of me giving love, I draw from what I think I have, and that is limited.”

“Yes.  Still, you put what you did understand into motion. You picked your feet up off the floor and began to kick and to move through the water, propelled by more than having your feet on solid ground. It’s a process. So no, you have not failed. You are in process of becoming aware of what you are. You are becoming what is you – love. Unconditional, unmeasurable love.”

“And soon, I’ll jump off that diving board into the deep waters and not even notice where I am, right?”

“Soon, you’ll be swimming in those waters without even realizing that you had entered them,” he counters with a smile.  I smile, too. I get it.