Yesterday I pulled out my grinder to grind some coffee beans. I set it on the counter in the apartment and noticed a large dispenser bottle of some solution next to a box of baking soda. I figured someone had mixed the two for some reason – and then whoosh! I started crying.

Out of the blue, from nowhere I remembered five years earlier turning my kitchen counter into a laboratory of sorts. My husband had peritonitis, a serious infection connected with his peritoneal dialysis.  The clinic staff showed me how to mix the powder antibiotic into a solution to then inject into his dialysis solution bag to combat the infection. The steps to follow were all so very specific and I had to be oh so careful to not contaminate the needle or the bag or anything.   Me, who is not a medical savvy person. Me, who is not comfortable with such work. Me, alone in my kitchen.

I cried, and with the tears came a release of all the tension that had accompanied that task – tension that I had not voiced or even realized until this moment.  I had been terrified with that responsibility to care for my husband in a life or death situation, but I had to do it. I felt so alone but I had to do it, and I did.  Five years later that tension has unveiled itself.

This morning the Lord spoke to me through a prophecy I had given to someone last year: “Now you know there is no good thing that I would keep from you. As this awareness seeps deeply into your heart, you will begin to reciprocate; and I will know there is no good thing you would keep from me. Everything about you is good, my precious one. I desire all from you, to know you with no secrets between us. I desire to sit with you, face to face, and to look at your smile as you take my hand and say yes.”

No secrets between us.

“Yes,” said the Lord. “And yesterday in your tears you uncovered that which had been kept secret from even you, and that secret built a small wall between us. Not tall enough that I could not see you or you see me, but a small rising out of the ground that is enough to stub your toe and trip you as you reach to come nearer to me.”

“I was so afraid,” I said.  “I was so afraid.” In speaking those words, I understood the tension that was lifted with them. I had a knowing that this emotion had hardened a part of me – not only emotionally, but in the very physical cells of my being. It had also hardened my physical body. But this morning the hardness left, and I felt the tenderness of God’s love as my cells began to rebalance and clean up the mess the hardness had left. And life’s flow began to seep again through those vessels that had been stifled.

“That is one secret we won’t stumble on any more,” said the Lord. “That is one secret that held you at a distance from me. I waited patiently for you, and you’ve responded. That has opened a doorway to much more that you have desired.  Consider it a door to the secret garden.”

“Ah,” I smiled. “The Secret Garden.  My favorite childhood book. It mesmerized me and I always wanted a secret garden, a hidden place where I could explore and find treasures of life and of beauty.  A place hidden away from shame and fear.  Is that my secret garden?”

“The secret of the garden you seek, my beloved, is that it is not hidden away. It’s really not even secret. The garden you seek is in plain sight in the world, where all can see, and all can know. It is where your secrets no longer bind your soul. In this garden you lay bare before the world. Then you will be able to freely walk about and enjoy the garden’s wonder without care, concern or awareness of what anyone else is seeing or saying.  Then your attention can turn outward to life itself and not be held captive to the task of preserving secrets.

This is what you have desired. This is what has opened within you. As we continue to unlock what is hidden, your body will cease to carry such burdens that weigh you down and damage your cells.  Rather, life will flow. Love will flow and your garden will flourish, my beloved.  I’m looking forward to walking that garden with you.”