The sauna – I got it up really hot, really steaming; and then I cried out to the Lord.  I thought of David and was feeling such regret, such sadness that I lost him, that he is gone.  At the same time thankful that he is in a good place.  As I let go the tears to cleanse and release much that is pent up inside, I felt thankful and happy that in the last months, maybe the last year of our life together I got it right in setting priorities.  I am thankful for the time I left work or arranged schedule to be with him – even to sit and do nothing.  At the same time, I felt remorse that I didn’t have the same heart to love like that the previous 5, 10, 20 years we were together.

As I sat there I saw myself laying on a stone bed carved out in a cave. The Lord came in and lifted my head into his lap as I cried.  I knew it was okay.  I knew I was okay.  And while I can do nothing about David now, I can exhort and encourage women who still have their husbands to be mindful of them.

Deeper than that, I want to tell them to speak the truth and not let things that hurt or trouble pass by as unimportant – as if they are unimportant. Silence, avoidance, busyness – it is all just as detrimental as fighting, yelling and cutting with words. It yields no fruit, and one day they will wish they could have a do-over; but they can’t.

I want to say to them, “You will wish you had lived your life as yourself and had not buried who you are under some false sense of what you’re supposed to do, who you are supposed to be.  One day, if you are willing to seriously face the truth, you will find yourself excavating the ground on which you have lived.  You will find yourself looking for you, for the true you that was left behind and hidden so you could be more acceptable, more normal, more like what you thought people wanted of you.  The truth is, as you will find, your false self does not provide anything that you hope it will.  Regardless of what you do, people will still find you unacceptable by their standards and expectations.  You don’t fit in as you desire to.  You aren’t normal (as if anyone knows what normal is!).

Your fulfillment can only come in being truly you, living from your very core (with God the Father, the Son and the Spirit in the midst of you).  In the end, that is the only you who can love; the only you who can give to your mate, your family, your friends.  That is the only you who can give anything of life, anything that will add to their well-being.  And that truth will fulfill you.”

That’s what I would say.